For those who know English=)

[lasuen]

Well, on my English lessons sometimes we are given a home assignment which is to think up a story using some words that we're supposed to train. And I, so to speak, usually make stories a-la fanfics with my favourite characters of different sources. And here I'd like to post some of them just for memory and fun, maybe some of you will be interested in it
Bonjour a Nathalie

Characters:

Maria Ivanovna, who is my imaginary chemistry teacher, very cruel and satanic as well. She is my property. First time she appears on my first year at my Uni when we were given the task to write about our favourite and non-favourite teachers. And as long as I didn't have my non-favourite one, I decided to imagine it and let her be a woman with the canonic name of Maria Ivanivna. Her surname was created very recently and so her full name is Miss Maria Ivanovna Hilde-Gicel, and hilde-gicel is "battle-icicle" in the Anglo-Saxon language (in Russian it is "битво-сосулька", which is circumlocution for the word "sword"=) And now our group has an e-mail which is Hilde-Gicel@[].ru =) It makes me be so proud about all that thing xDD
Uriah Heep, who is one of the main characters of the "David Copperfield" by Charles Dickens I adore him to the distraction. He's cockney, very 'umble and very nice.
Cthulhu, no need to explain who he is. By the by, there are two of them, one is my pet Cthulhu who lives with Maria Ivanovna in her quaint bungalow in Greater London. The other one is Cthulhu-senior who presently lives on Deimos (one of Mars's moons).
Dobby and Gollum, from Rowling and Tolkien =) they are nephews of Maria Ivanovna)
Sasha, who is a really existent person and my friend. She is the marsian-russian translator of Maria Ivanovna.
Laplace, whose full name is marquis Pierre-Simon de Laplace, a French scientist. He is the founder of the theory of the strong determinism.
There will appear another boy whose name will be Bhabhrus (that's Sanscrit , means "Beaver"), and he would be a gay
Here we are

Chapter 1.
How Uriah Heep tried to rob a bank

Once upon a time Maria Ivanovna got sick and tired of her life of deprivation and made up her mind to change everything and become a spiffing gentlewoman. As long as she had the indisputable say-so, her entourage of 5 people (including Sasha, Uriah, Dobby, Cthulhu and Gollum) had to take any orders from her.
Uriah was not the kind of person who was apt to rob banks, shops, space stations, stalls or whatever kind of place you can get money from. You know, he was very humble. That is way he was not ecstasized with that marvellous idea of Maria, but having the status of the so-called errand boy, he had to obey. More by token, her quaint bungalow began to grow on him gradually.
And now, having hailed a taxi, he bawled at the driver: “Giv’ ‘t more welly, yer nitwit wrech’d nag!”
The driver almost jumped out of his skin and let go off his steering wheel. “Okay, okay, it’s alright. No need to worry!” he said, frightened and abashed. At length, they reached the bank. Uriah got out of the taxi and languorously threw fifteen cents on the dasher. Then he began sticking around the entrance, being suffused with his supercilious thoughts.
His sparkling eyes, full of righteous indignation were burning holes in strolling tycoons who were holding cases laden with money and gold. Like an animal at bay, Uriah ventured to enter the building. There were a couple of security guards who took no interest in him.
He approached the cashier, a squat dowdy filly who was engaged in reading some glossy magazine. This unintelligent pastime infuriated Uriah Heep to the marrow of his aristocratic bones so he brought his fist down on the table and ejaculated:
“I would very like ter rob tha’ ban’!”
It seemed she didn’t catch his meaning and looked uncomprehending. The man in front of her was paler than a snowy tiled floor. “Sorry?” she asked tentatively.
And then…
Uriah pulled out his soldering iron.
“Geronimo!” he cried jauntily, but… something went wrong.
Only now the ghastly thought occurred to him – there were no sockets. His ingenious plan failed.
* * *
“Just fancy that! He simply came and told Julia he would like to rob the bank! Incredible!”
“So, what was his name you said?”
“Uriah Heep… sounds familiar, ain’t it?”
“Yeah… and he held this stupid soldering iron? I can’t believe it!”
“Cracking, eh? We caught him red-handed and put him into the adjacent lunatic asylum. We had a hunch that he might be dangerous to society. ”
“Its loss!” laughed the police officer.

Chapter 2
What was happening on Deimos?

So, as you can propably know, Deimos is one of Mars’s moons where The Great Empire of Cthulhu’s Divinity is situated. The other one is Phobos where Maria Ivanovna’s Monarchy is.

[A Little footnote: Phobos (Ancient Greek "Fear") is the personification of fear and horror in Greek mythology. He is the son of Ares and Aphrodite. He, his brother Deimos (Ancient Greek "Dread"), and the goddess Enyo accompany Ares into battle, along with his father's attendants, Trembling, Panic and other abstractions.]

At this moment there are only two people on Deimos. The first one is Cthulhu-Senior who is assuredly the man of great intellegence, shrewdness, cleverness, craft etc. The other one is Pierre-Simon, marquis de Laplace who somehow moved through time and place into the future from the 19th century (thank him very much).

They were living in the colossal sumptuous castle which was built by the power of thought (thanks to Simon), and its masonry turrets were frequently glittering in the light of Maria Ivanovna’s torches which were radiating from Phobos four times a day (as long as Deimos’s period is 30 hours, and Phobos’s period is 7,5 hours; according to the Marsian time calendar).

So, one beautiful day when nothing indicated that something was going to happen, Laplace found an interesting thing (that was his work: he just walked around on the star and searched for something). This thing was a small regularly-shaped octahedron with a tiny hole in one of the facets as if to go out. Since Laplace was a great scientist he at once understood that it smelled alienness. He brought it to Cthulhu and shared his suspicions.

Cthulhu stationed the object on the prepararion table examining it from all the sides and thinking hard.
“Reveal your secrets!” he said pointing his finger at the octahedron.
His companion sneered.
“My dear fellow, are you really taking into considerarion the idea of the possibility of this geometric figure being able to percieve your aspirations?”
Cthulhu elbowed him with his tentacle.
Suddenly a small figure appeared out of the hole. It had a form of a chipmuck with a human head. The creature had green eyes, short hair like that of a man and a sharp little nose; the part that was beneath his waist was the exact copy of a chipmuck. It seemed to be very brittle and vulnerable.
Its first words were:
“Don’t move and we won’t hurt you.”
The two friends were bewildered and baffled by such a threat.
“Okay, we don’t”, said Cthulhu who was a linguist and translator and spoke all the extraterrestrial languages perfectly. He wasn’t scared by such a rat-size creature that he could slam with one stroke of his slipper. He was just curious.
“What’s this planet called?” the manmuck demanded.
“Deimos, Mars’s moon,” was their answer. “And where are you from?”
“It’s none of your business!” claimed the creature. “It’s me who asks questions! Firstly, you must give us a room with the temperature of 41 degrees Fahrenheit. Secondly, you must provide us with walnuts and nutmegs. Thirdly, you must take orders from us. That’s for now.”
“Okay,” said Cthulhu. “We’ll do it. Can we move now?”
The manmuck thought for a minute.
“Yes. I think you can.”
“Thank you.” Cthulhu said, feigning relief.

One day later Cthulhu and Laplace were drinking cappuccino in the dining room.
Cthulhu began:
“Well, as long as I… hm. Since we have a tyranny form of government here on this star, now we have a population to be tyranized. Isn’t this wonderful?”
Laplace cocked his brow.
“But you take orders from them!” he said amusedly. “It remains to be seen who are whose slaves!”
“Well, no! I just pretend! They are my slaves!”
“Then you are the slave of your way of thinking.”
It made Cthulhu think.
“But still… it is pretty convenient, isn’t it?”

Chapter 3
How Uriah Heep managed to escape the lunatic asylum?

Uriah was heart-broken, devastated, appalled. He was sitting on the rigid floor of the dirty cell, being suffused with eerie thoughts. Next to him there was sprawling the slovenly man in his ragged wooly.
“Wha’ a common or garden cell!” exclaimed Uriah, squinting from side to side with contempt. “It is comin’ to pieces! Bet it’d wreck if I touched one of those wretched stones!”
“Well, try?” grunted his neighbour, egging on.
Uriah knitted his brows at his new-acquired friend’s suggestion as if expressing some kind of disapprobation. Then, without thinking twice, he stood up and poked one of the stones with his pointing finger.
“Nothing doing,” said Uriah.
“Try this one, then,” said his friend, nodding in the direction of another wall.
Uriah obeyed. Nothing doing again.
“Such an obstinate wall!” He grudged, going out of his mind and being beside himself. “Probably, it cost every penny of a hundred pounds!”
“Far from it,” doubted his friend. “It’s just a wall!”
Uriah settled down and snuggled himself in the corner of the cell, like an animal at bay that was sentensed to definestrination*.
*As long as there is the word “la fenestra” and the noun “defenestration”, then as long as there is also the word “il finestrino” (which in italian means “little window” or “porthole”), it allows me to create the word “definestrination” as well 
There also was a boy, at the age of twenty, who was like some kind of a fruitcake because during a couple of hours he kept picking the wall with his little finger and with such a determination as if he was producing the benefit of the world importance.
Suddenly he said: “I don’t want to let you down, guys, but I’m not much of a talker.” He quitted his silly preoccupation and turned to the two friends. “To tell the truth, I have quite a murky past, because all my life seemed to be a disaster either to me or to my family and friends…”
“We see,” scolded Uriah, teasing his hair.
“And to be perfectly blunt, I didn’t manage to pass my driving test and, moreover, I couldn’t take my boyfriend for a drive, which was very disappointing to both of us. Every ruddy Wednesday I had a double biology in my fee paying school and, moreover…”
“Can you shut up, please?”
“Not so fast… and, moreover, we had such a gaunt teacher! I don’t know whether you hear about her or not, it doesn’t matter though, but her name was Maria Ivanovna Hilde-Gicel and she was obviously the cruellest teacher in the world!”
Uriah became livid with rage.
“And we had to resign to the fact that we have our study-periods without any frees!..”
Uriah could stand it no more.
“Does somebody have Sellotape?”
“Let me finish!” cried the boy. “I don’t want to take a short-cut and do want to expound everything good and proper! So, as I said, my father came from down under, and it took a great deal of time to line up till we could take a loan and buy a car. And when at length we bought a car, it appeared to be an unroad worthy vehicle. And it was only three miles on the clook when the rattletrap broke down…”
“Get a move on then!” advised Uriah’s companion.
“I don’t get a move on! And on Monday week…” the boy refused with exasperation and tried to go on. “Ouch!” he bawled with a twinge of panic. That was Uriah who stood up swiftly and kicked the hapless boy in the stomach. “What for?!”
“I’m trying to adapt to circumstances. And you,” Uriah articulated the last word, “you’d better continue picking the wall out if you’d be pleased.”
Then he added proudly: “And don’t you dare touch Maria Ivanovna again. I’m the boss of her supporters' club, and she loves me as her son!”
The boy cowered and cringed at what he saw in Uriah’s face. Such a bigoted man is that Uriah, he was thinking. There are bound to be people like him. And the boy continued picking the wall.

As we see, Uriah hadn’t managed to escape the lunatic asylum yet.

@темы: creative

Comments

[{Helga}]

+1)))

мне бы так английским владеть *завидует*

[Maria Ivanovna Hilde-Gicel]

“Reveal your secrets!” he said pointing his finger at the octahedron.

chaaaarming

Cthulhu elbowed him with his tentacle.

also great =))))))))))))))

[lasuen]

{Helga}
Спасибо)
да мы только начинающие=)

Maria Ivanovna Hilde-Gicel
Pourquoi non français, mon chere?
Puis-je interdire de parler avec moi quelqu' autre langue?

[Maria Ivanovna Hilde-Gicel]

Pourqoui pas français, je pense
D'accord, parlerons français pour que tu-sais-qui ne puisse pas comprendre ))

[lasuen]

Maria Ivanovna Hilde-Gicel
merci tu es mon professeur=)

Comme c'est insidieux! =)

[guldfisken]

Hildegicel is not a euphemism, Miss Heep, since "sword" is not a dirty word. It is a circumlocution. (You're fond of long words, aren't you? )
And I do hope you adore Uriah to distraction, rather than to destruction!

P.S. I couldn't resist leaving a comment, I'm sorry. I won't bother you again! Your diary is safe, and so is Miss Granger's.

[lasuen]

guldfisken

It is a circumlocution
Oh, that's it, thank you very much
Poor Uriah ; ), I shoud rather check those words that I remembered by hearing somebody speak than try to write it as luck would get it.

really, I think that Miss Granger and me would like to be bothered since you correct our mistakes and make us smarter by that as well

May I venture to ask you what your caption means?)

[guldfisken]

May I venture to ask you what your caption means?)

"Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure". The inscription on Rowena Ravenclaw's diadem, you see. Only in the books, it's presented in Modern English, which it can't have been, since the diadem was made in the tenth century, so I tried to translate it into Old English to see what it might have looked like, and since F.A. said it looked more or less correct to her, I felt it was safe enough to display it to the general public.

[lasuen]

guldfisken

Thanks a lot!

[Maria Ivanovna Hilde-Gicel]

LaSuen

Pourquoi pas français, mon chere?

Je suis une fille, ma chère, STP =)))

guldfisken
really, I think that Miss Granger and me would like to be bothered since you correct our mistakes and make us smarter by that as well
So do I

[lasuen]

Maria Ivanovna Hilde-Gicel
Je suis une fille
oh, vraiment??? Pourquoi ne m'as-tu dit pas cette chose effroyable?? xD

[guldfisken]

I think that Miss Granger and me would like to be bothered

So do I

I'm deeply honoured and grateful you feel that way about my presence in your diaries; but I wouldn't like you to feel as if you were both under constant observation. Nothing is more of a damper on free creativity in young people than constant observation. So create away - I'm not watching you.

[lasuen]

guldfisken



Maria Ivanovna Hilde-Gicel
We were given a delicate hint, as you see)